News From Home
by Random Guise
Summary: Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry is laid up in the hospital bored and worried about his town. With no phone, he is happy to have Floyd visit him. The feeling doesn't last. I don't own these characters, but I grew up in a small town that didn't even have one traffic light.


News From Home

Andy Taylor lay in his hospital bed and worried. Not about the surgery; that had already taken place with no problems and he was expected to make a quick recovery. No, he was worried about Mayberry. He considered the small community HIS town, and fretted over its well-being when he wasn't around for some reason. Only something as serious as this appendectomy could have kept him away for so long in Raleigh.

His foul mood was disturbed by a familiar voice. "Andy, are you awake?" Floyd Lawson, Mayberry's town barber knocked gently on the door.

"Floyd? Come on in! Good to see a familiar face around here. How are things back home? Anything new?"

Floyd took a seat beside Andy's bed. "Oh fine, things are fine, nothing new. How are you doing? How much longer do you have to stay?"

"Couple more days. Doctor said I have something called a low grade fever; he's not worried about it much but he wants to keep an eye on me. Funny thing is, for a man keeping an eye on me I never see him. Nurses pop in all the time, but no doctor."

"Yeah, that's funny that way. Say, do the nurses say that 'we' thing? Like in 'How are we today'?"

"You know Floyd, they do now that you mention it. Huh. Guess they already know how they are, just being friendly asking about me I reckon."

"Yeah, must be so" Floyd readily agreed.

"So Floyd, I've been gone from Mayberry for a week now. Tell me what's gone on since I've been away."

"Nothing Andy. Same old town, same old people. You know Mayberry hasn't changed much in the last ten years; what's gonna happen in a week?"

"Oh, come on Floyd. SOMETHING must have happened while I've been gone."

"Well, let me see..." Floyd said and his head tilted back as he thought. Rubbing his chin, he finally said "I guess there was one little thing. Your cat died."

"Oh I see. That's too bad, I really liked that...wait...I don't have a cat Floyd."

"Not any more you don't."

"No, I never had one in the first place."

"Well, not long after you left to go to the hospital Aunt Bee got one. Anyway, it died. I didn't mention it because it happened last week not this week so it's old news."

"I never wanted a cat. Why did she get one?"

"Probably was lonely after your dog died."

"My dog died? You mean Peanut?" Andy was a little concerned now.

"Yeah, Peanut. Don't worry, the vet said he didn't suffer. He must have died instantly when the fire truck ran him over."

"The fire truck? Why weren't they more careful? I told them to drive slow through town."

"Normally they do, but they were responding to a fire so they were in a hurry to get there and ran over the dog."

"A fire? In Mayberry? Aint been no fire in at least 10 years." At least as long as he'd been Sheriff, thought Andy. Unless you counted the time Barney knocked the candle into the waste basket during the power outage. But a glass of water took care of that one.

"No, don't worry it wasn't in the town. It was up in the hills by the creek. Guess the feud between Ernest T. Bass and Briscoe Darling heated up a little, somebody took a shot and the spark lit the grass on fire. The fire truck was rushing to the scene and ran over your dog, and that's why Aunt Bee got a cat that died last week."

"What about the fire?" Andy was going to return home to a town that was burned down now.

"Don't worry about the fire. It was put out by the flash flood."

"What flash flood Floyd? Or should I ask?"

"Oh, it was in all the papers; ask anyone. When the dam broke the flash flood rushed down the creek and put out the fire. Good thing no one got hurt, 'cept for that person in the plane."

"There was a plane in the fire?"

"No, of course not. The plane was flying over the fire and I guess the pilot wasn't watching what he was doing and flew into the dam. It broke, and put out the fire that the fire truck couldn't because it crashed after it ran over the dog. Did I mention the fire truck crashed?"

"You kinda skipped that part. Kindly fill me in so I don't...miss..a...detail." Andy was trying, and failing, to keep the story straight.

"Okay. You see Andy, the fire truck crashed after it ran over your dog. Veered off the road, jumped the curb and ran straight into my barber shop. Good think I wasn't in it."

"Why weren't you in your barber shop?"

"I was too busy watching Barney dance around on top of the exchange building in his underwear."

Barney Fife was a good friend, a passable deputy, but not prone to public displays of anything besides a total misapplication of the law. "And just what was he doing on top of the exchange building?"

"Sarah said that her telephone switchboard was cutting in and out. Barney went up on the roof to see if he could spot the problem. He fixed the problem, don't worry; the switchboard works fine now."

"But what about his clothes?"

"They work fine too, but I think they're still up on the roof. He just figured he didn't need them when he fiddled with the wires and got an electric shock that stupefied him for a spell. Boy, that boy could dance; probably what caught the attention of the pilot in that plane."

"I thought the pilot was looking at the fire?"

"No, he was looking at Barney on the roof. He just happened to see the fire on the second pass and hit the dam."

"And destroyed it."

"Not the whole dam, just a big hole near the bottom. Good thing there wasn't much water in it to begin with. Fishing's gonna be poor this year. Yeah."

"How's Barney doing?"

"He's fine. A little jumpy maybe, but fine. Thelma Lou is taking care of him."

"Barney's always jumpy; that's what the doctors here call a preexisting condition. So how long have the phones been workin' poorly?"

"Just started the day before Barney went up on the roof; they noticed it when they tried to call the State Health Board."

"State Board of Heath? Why would they want to call them?"

"No reason it turns out. They evacuated the school for nothing."

"Why would they evacuate the school for nothing? What did they THINK was going on?"

"Somebody heard somebody say there were measles everywhere, so they evacuated the school. Don't worry, it wasn't measles."

"Well that's a relief. What was it?"

"Weasels. There was a couple families of weasels running around the school grounds. Funny looking critters."

"Did they get the weasels out?"

"Oh sure. That was easy. I told you not to worry."

"Anything else you want to tell me?"

"No, that's about it. Everything is pretty much back to normal now. Except the hole in the dam. And the charred ground. Oh, and the big hole in the side of my shop. And of course your dog and the cat you don't have anymore."

"Just how did the dog get out anyway?"

"I told you they evacuated the school, so Opie was out playing with the dog and it got out of the yard. I think he was so excited about everything that happened afterward that he plum forgot to feel sorry for the dog. It'll probably haunt him later in life." Floyd fell silent, either in contemplation or his batteries had finally run out.

"So let me see if I got this right: Somebody said we had weasels at the school, but somebody else thought they said measles and evacuated the school. Opie went home and played with the dog that ran out into the street, where it got run over by a fire truck that was trying to put out a grass fire outside of town that got started from some sparkin' gunfire; but that fire got put out by the flash flood from the dam that got busted by a plane crashing into it after watching Barney dance nearly nekked on the roof 'cause he got shocked working on phone lines that couldn't call the State Health Department, while down below the fire truck ended up in the side of your shop. Did I get everything?"

"Don't forget your cat died" Floyd added helpfully.

"Oh yeah, my dear cat. Just for the record what was his or her name anyway? You knows, so I can mourn it proper."

"Gee Andy, I don't know; I tend to mind my own business."

The End

* * *

 **A/N: This is based on an old gag that's older than this show, but it seems fitting to put it with the Mayberry crowd. For the record I never saw any of the color episodes. And don't worry, while Andy and Barney were out of action they got Goober to run the jail.**


End file.
